“I’m frightened of eggs, worse than frightened, they revolt me… 
But egg yolk is yellow, revolting. I’ve never tasted it.”

― Alfred Hitchcock

Ava and Julia,

The last two years I have thought endlessly about fear, its source, and the life ingredients for handling this emotion. A Pandemic. Political turmoil.  Violence. Pivoting. Uncertainty. Economic insecurity. War. Fear is an emotion that will be with you many times, in various circumstances and for numerous reasons, throughout your life. This year for the three of us the subject of fear strikes a particular chord. 

2022 will be transformative for us. Julia graduating and beginning university. Ava beginning your third year in university after spending the summer abroad. For me, Paris will become full-time and I will be returning to school. Three students. Different stages of life. Dramatically different locations. Los Angeles will be in the rearview. No empty nest because each of us is taking a piece of the nest with us as we head out on our respective journeys embracing new experiences, places, and people. The opportunities ahead of us are exhilarating.  Yet, while I pack up our home in which we largely spent your formative years – going through the saved art projects, photographs, and handmade cards – I am painfully cognizant that the three of us will be separated in a way we never have been before. My enthusiasm for the newness we will face is tempered with trepidation. I know I am not alone in this feeling. Many unknowns. Lots of change. There is some nervousness. Some fear. I can feel it. That is okay. 

I imagine that you have heard the expression: “the only thing we have to fear is … fear itself.”  The oft-quoted sound-bite comes from Franklin D. Roosevelt’s first Inaugural Address given on March 4, 1933. It was the height of the Great Depression and Roosevelt spoke to the nation by addressing the topic of fear. He said,

“ This is preeminently the time to speak the truth, the whole truth, frankly and boldly. Nor need we shrink from honestly facing conditions in our country today. […] So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself–nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.”

What is often lost in the repetition of that famous quote is that Roosevelt was not disavowing the existence or validity of fear. He was putting fear in its place. Fear need not be a paralyzing enemy. His address was a call to action and he encouraged the nation to move past their fears with wisdom and courage:

“[A] host of unemployed citizens face the grim problem of existence, and an equally great number toil with little return. Only a foolish optimist can deny the dark realities of the moment. […] Our greatest primary task is to put people to work. This is no unsolvable problem if we face it wisely and courageously.” 

I agree that our fears can be handled with wisdom and courage. Yet to do that, an honest examination of the source of our fears is imperative. You see, fear can be our protector or our jailer, but it is always our advisor.

When Fear Is Our Protector.

When I signed up to do an Ironman, it was an irrational goal and, according to some, idiotic. Swimming with my face in the water and side breathing? I had only dog-paddled. Riding clipped in a bike with my bum in the air? Never. While I was a runner, I had never participated in a triathlon of any distance. The thought of swimming in the ocean for over two miles, and then descending the hairpin, technical turns in the French Alps with my feet clipped in a bike, terrified me. The whole project was overwhelming. Objectively, what was I afraid of? Drowning? Yes. Flying off the side of a cliff on my bike? Absolutely. Not finishing the race and/or falling short of my goal? Maybe.

During one swim session, my swim coach said to our group something that I will always remember and his words are the reason why I chose this simple example. He said, “fear is a good thing.”  Fear is a good thing because it tells you to prepare, to take note of your surroundings, plan for and train for the anticipated and unanticipated conditions. Fear tells us when to proceed with caution (i.e., slowing down on the technical turns or in the wind).  And, after nine months of training, I could “face [the challenge] wisely.” I learned how to swim and trained enough to be confident that I could swim the required distance in various ocean conditions. I knew what my capabilities and weakness were on a bike. I prepared for those scary technical turns. My fear dwindled into nervous anticipation. I did not injure myself that June. I did finish the race. 

Fear is our protector when it alerts us to potential harm or hazardous conditions. It is advising us to be aware of our surroundings. It alerts us when something does not “feel right.” Listen to it. It is a good thing. 

When Fear Is a Potential Jailer.

However, when fear prevents us from participating, speaking up, engaging in relationships, and/or in life generally, fear can be our jailer. When I think of fear as a limiting, rather than helpful, thing in life, I break it down into two categories. The first is the fear of what could happen as a result of our own behavior. The second is the fear of what could happen as a result of circumstances beyond our control.

Hubris-Based Fears

Many fears are hubris-based. They include

• The fear of embarrassment; 
• The fear of being “wrong;” 
• The fear of “failing;” or
• The fear of being rejected or judged.

Such fears prevent us from trying, learning, acting, living, and loving. They limit our experiences and our lives. You will have these fears, everyone does, but recognize them for what they are: ego based. Overcome them. Please DO NOT let these fears prevent you from participating in life. Implement your business ideas. Speak your truth. Share your opinion. Learn a new language. Go to dinner by yourself. Go on that date. Travel to unknown lands.

As for being embarrassed, so what? You will do and say silly, incorrect, and/or embarrassing things. You may trip over a stair and land on your face. You may blow an interview. You may stumble over your own words in a speech or sing out of tune. Be gentle on yourself, darling. Have the ability to laugh at yourself. Do not be driven underground by embarrassment or fear of losing face, being rejected, or not being “good enough,” not “perfect,” or “less than.”  (Those last three characterizations are silly because to this day I do not know what “perfect” is and who decides.) It does not matter. Trust me, people think about you much less than you imagine. Moreover, I have never seen someone die of embarrassment. 

You will be wrong. You will misspeak. You may give an incorrect answer. You may do or say things that hurt others. You may misjudge a situation or person. You may feel ashamed or embarrassed because you were wrong. It is fine. Everyone is wrong from time to time. Don’t wallow in embarrassment, shame or rejection. Instead, be accountable and acknowledge what you did or said. Apologize sincerely. Do better, and move on. Expect the same behavior from those with whom you share your time. Be wary of debating the “rightness” or “wrongness” of something. I have witnessed people waste years on assigning blame, wanting to be “right.” Do not engage in this circular trap: making things right is always more important than being right.

As for failure, it does not exist. Failure is your disappointment defined by your own expectations and hopes: you did not do as well as you wanted, your idea was rejected, your teacher hated your essay, your art was not appreciated, you lost a scholarship or a job, your relationship ended, or you did not finish that race. It is all material for the story of your life. Do your best, and value the experience of the process and what you learned.

Lastly, it bears worth noting that hubris-based fears not only can limit our quality of life, but they can tempt us to engage in less than admirable behavior such as lying, deflection, and non-accountability. Think about why people lie. People lie when they are afraid. Afraid of being wrong. Afraid of being embarrassed. Afraid of not measuring up. They are afraid of losing face or losing someone. They are afraid of being judged or ridiculed. They are afraid of the consequences of their own actions. Giving into these fears and negatively changing your behavior to self-protect in this way is the very opposite of courage. It is cowardice. Do not be tempted to take the cowardly path and be wary of those who do. 

“The Devil You Know”

Fear is also your jailer if it keeps you in a situation – i.e., a job or a relationship – because the unknown frightens you.  I have seen this time and time again. People (primarily, women) stay in or go back to relationships, marriages, and/or jobs using the rationale, “the devil you know [is better than the devil you don’t.]”  The perspective is that the unknown will be worse than the present situation, and the latter is preferable because you are at least familiar with the present circumstances, even if they are paltry. Change this perspective. 

While the choice to stay or leave any situation is yours, I hope you choose not to stay in a situation that is less than what you deserve or want because the unknown alternative scares you or you rationalize that you should hold on to what you have because “something is better than nothing.” This is a beggar’s mentality. When you do this, you are settling; I do not care how you rationalize it. Life is a banquet and when you limit yourself in this way you are existing on the crumbs. Please do not settle for crumbs. I know leaving the familiar can be scary but be confident enough to stand up for yourself and create the life you want. Learn to love your own company. If your job does not challenge you or the dynamic is toxic, find something else or create your own business opporutnities. You may not make as much money, you may lose the big house and the fancy dinner parties, you may return that Cartier ring, but time can never be replaced. Time is fleeting and once it is gone, it’s gone forever. Do not waste your gift of time, and certainly do not waste it on unworthy people or in circumstances that are unfulfilling or make you unhappy. And, remember, that “safer” route that so many settle for – staying with the “devil” they know – often proves not to be that safe after all and always leads to regret.

Fear Based upon a Lack of Control.

During the pandemic one prevalent theme was fear created by the uncertainty of the situation. As human beings we fear things beyond our control. We like knowns. The gray area is uncomfortable. Perceived control over a situation gives us a sense of empowerment because we believe that if we have control a situation we can eliminate the uncertainty. Examples of things beyond our control which are fear-inducing include: 

• Losing someone we care for;
• Loss, in general;
• Abandonment;
• Death;
• Being taken advantage of;
• Being unloved;
• Being alone;
• Change;
• Financial insecurity;
• Health insecurity; or
• Political insecurity.

Yet, to believe that life is certain is unrealistic. You will suffer loss. Relationships will come and go. Death is a reality for everyone and some will leave us far too soon. There may be another pandemic and more wars. When it comes to these matters beyond your control, acknowledgement and acceptance are the key ingredients in your recipe of life.

Accept people for who they are and accept the behavioral patterns they show you. You cannot control others nor should you try. (Trying to control another is not only futile, but unloving.) Don’t waste your time questioning, “Why are you like that?”  The “why” is not relevant. If you do not like what a person is showing you, then reject that behavior. Ruminating in false hope or promises of change are a waste of your time. While I am an optimist, I am going to tell you that people do not change unless they are committed to doing the work. While some do (i.e., I have seen people work on their anger or quit drinking) if, for example, someone is a pathological liar or fundamentally insecure, that will not change. Accept that that patterned behavior is who they are. Whether you want a relationship with them, and the extent of that relationship, is up to you. 

Accept (and respect) the decisions of others. You have no control over another person’s choices. There will be occasions when someone will make a decision that you do not want, that you adamantly disagreement with, and/or will hurt you.  A lover will leave. You will not get the job you want or be admitted to a particular school. If you have done your best and acted with integrity, there is nothing more for you to do. Respect and accept the decision. Do not waste your time questioning, “why?” Focus on your next step. 

Similarly, accept circumstances as they are. (This does not mean accepting circumstances of inequality or injustice or other political/societal wrongs that need to be corrected.) I am referring to your interpersonal relationships. Akin to accepting another’s decisions, the acceptance of circumstances is not approving what happened or how someone behaved; it is a mere acknowledgment of the situation. It is what it is. Use your emotional energy to focus on things in your control rather than ruminating over the unfairness or hurtfulness of what someone did or what happened. Remember that while appreciated, you do not need that “last conversation” or the apology from someone else. You do not need someone else to acknowledge their behavior or concede that they hurt you. Close your own door. 

Lastly, in the face of certain uncertainty and change, stay true to your core. Do not let fear cause you to outsource your sense of self. Stay true to the woman you are and your values. You are lovable, intelligent, resourceful, and you alone are capable of creating a beautiful life for yourself. Do not look to be rescued or validated by others. Don’t fall prey to becoming the “pick me” girl or give anyone the power to shake your belief in yourself and your abilities. When fear sits in, acknowledge it, and call it for what it is: uncomfortable and temporary. Focus on you, your healing, your path, your wants, and your life. Be grateful. Keep the faith that things will work out. They will. Bad times do not last forever. 

What is Courage?

Courage is a key ingredient to a full and healthy life but what does courage look like? Courage reveals itself in many expressions. It need not be a grand or singular gesture. Courage can be found in the minutia of life. It may be a continual process. There is no “one size fits all.” Here are some examples I have witnessed.

Courage is…

• Putting your own life in danger to help another. 
• Speaking your truth even if others disagree with you or your opinion subjects you to ridicule.
• Standing by your beliefs.
• Standing up against injustice and inequality.
• Calling out the unlawful or inhuman behavior of another.
• Being accountable for your actions and words.
• Taking risks (but not foolishly).
• Following your heart.
• Standing up for yourself.
• Standing up for others, especially those who cannot fight or protect themselves.
• Giving that speech despite your stage fright.
• Opening your heart after your heart has been destroyed.
• Forgiving those you trusted who betrayed you.
• Facing and healing wounds that run deep. 
• Being a source of strength for others when you yourself are worried.
• Trying again. And again. 
• Putting yourself and your talent out there knowing that some may criticize your work and even you.
• Believing in yourself despite that inner voice of self-doubt.
• Learning new things; visiting new places; meeting new people.
• Showing up when the even act of getting out of bed is a struggle. 
• Standing and fighting for change when the status quo is easier, more popular, and financially more advantageous.
• Refusing to enable the bad behavior of others.
• Standing up to bullies.
• Self-correcting and changing course in life when you have fallen short. 
• The ability to put a fear in its place and give yourself the freedom of experience you would not otherwise not have if you had succumbed to your fears. 

As I sign off of this chefmorgan website and we move on to our new chapters, my wish for you is not that you will live free from fear, but that you will live courageously and with wisdom. If you live your lives with honesty, integrity, and courage, good things are sure to follow. I promise. I love you both and I am immeasurably proud of the young women you have become. The accompanying recipe is a snack we ate during quarantine. Seems fitting that I post an egg recipe for Mother’s Day. I hope it will bring you memories of our little place in Los Angeles where the chickens roamed freely and a four-pound dog ruled the roost.

Love,
Mom

“With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, 
and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity.”

— Mark Twain.